Hi, it’s Dan. Julia’s boyfriend. And I am going to be taking over these Pretty Little Liars recaps. First, let me say that I am aware that this is a show marketed to High School and College age girls. Yeah, I get that and that’s whatever. Just because I’m a late 20s mostly normal dude does not mean that I can’t hatewatch the crap out of ridiculous girly TV. It could be worse though – Julia could make me watch The Vampire Diaries…Not like I watch TVD sometimes, alone, before work or anything… Anyway, I frequently have no idea what the heck is going on in this show, and often forget people’s names. At least for this week I will probably use IMDB or Julia to remember who is who but I can’t promise that will always be the case. Either way, this should be fun.
And we’re back with Alison’s diary, which is apparently is coded and mostly BS. It takes about 15 seconds before somebody asks “Is Board Shorts in there?”I really do not remember who board shorts is… great, nice name though I am all in favor of nicknaming people after their most identifiable piece of clothing. Alison’s diary is so confusing and has so much dirt in it that the girls aren’t going to read it together, to you know, avoid conflict. Emily gets the diary for the first night and gets a midnight visit from Alison. This could be a dream. But who the hell can tell, if Alison is in the scene ABC Family is going to put a crazy filter on the camera.
Ezra sees Emily with the journal and almost craps his pants. Meanwhile Aria, once again wearing out of control (ie ugly) disco pants, admits to Spencer (fresh off a quickie with EmoToby and his hair) that she still loves Ezra. Spencer uses some uppity Spencer logic to try to convince Aria to go back to boning the teacher. If this show ends with Ezra getting arrested for statutory rape BEFORE anybody figures out that he is A, I will be very amused. SIDE NOTE: Ezra HAS to be “A” right? Julia is somehow not convinced. The girls all meet up to talk about the journal while Ezra stalks creepily. No mention of Board Shorts.
Emily gets a note from Alison saying “go to our spot.” Romantic music starts up. This show will never let us forget Emily’s sexual orientation to the point where she really seems to fawn over any chick she makes eye contact with. Meanwhile, Spencer’s dad is avoiding EmoToby for some reason. Spencer walks in on her dad and Alison’s mom talking about Alison’s brother Jason. Maybe Jason disappeared because everybody in this town is nosy as hell. Spencer flips out on her father for being sketchy. She then flips out on Alison’s mom for being a ho.
Hanna hasn’t been this cracked out since Spring Breakers. Her break up with Caleb means that apparently she’s going to get a lot of extra attention from her friends. Good thing that dude who gave her money for her mom’s bail is still around, being all earnest in his black jean-jacket. Jean Jacket tells Hanna that Cece/Cici killed Wilden. Weak off-camera wrap up of a major plot line of the first half of this season.
The girls head to a condemned bed and breakfast that Allison hints at in her journal. Hanna is being super emo and in need of way too much attention. Emily makes a Spring Break joke and I tune out the rest of the conversation besides Aria complimenting herself for her great sense of style. Hanna looks miserable and kinda car sick. Sitting within 10 feet of Aria’s crazy pants has that effect on people.
Ezra goes to Hanna’s house to presumably look for the journal. He schmoozes with Hanna’s mom who is decked out for her new job working for Alison’s mom. Ezra sneaks upstairs to hunt while Mrs. Hanna handles a business call, that sounds like somebody running interference for Ezra. Ezra can’t find the journal so he opens Hanna’s computer. Underage selfies galore for pervy Ezra.
OF COURSE the car breaks down before getting to the bed and breakfast. Hanna reaches out to jean jacket who apparently is named Travis and has a tow truck. But he won’t be able to get out there for 2 hours. Conveniently Ezra’s creepy cabin happens to be really close by!
Ooooooooh Hanna admits to hooking up with Aria’s brother Mike. Even Alison found this gross. Hanna, once again overwhelmed, decides to go for a walk in the middle of the night in the middle of the woods. Smart. Emily follows. Not smart. Spencer and Aria get trapped in a closet by an unknown man in black. “A” peaces out with the journal while the girls arm themselves with oars and brooms. Nobody pulls out their gun, as Travis finally shows up.
Travis is nice. And not flirty, other than some lingering awkward hand holding. “Can’t I just be a nice guy?” Hanna starts bawling. Cut to Spencer hating on her dad once again. Spencer’s family has a very nice kitchen. Her dad pulls out the classic “my house, my rules,” which drives Spencer right to EmoToby, suitcase in hand. “A” sends a text with a picture of the Bumble Bee Inn and “Thanks for the Tip.” Giggity.