My belly is full of viognier, salami, blue cheese, and bread. The odds of me caring about this week’s episode of “PLL” is not high, but of course I say that now, before I watch it and with good deal of resentment it’s interrupting my Major Lazer listening. And yet I’ll still probably get sucked in. I won’t even pretend that I’m hate-watching this show at this point. I am straight up enjoying it, if only because it is unapologetic hot-garbage. This show is the female version of what Mark Wahlberg and Vin Diesel have been churning out over the last decade+. Does it make sense? Who cares. Is it good? Doesn’t matter. Is it fun? VERY.
Ezra is likable. Spencer is pretty likable, though crazy. And only when she’s away from EmoToby. Otherwise I’m not a fan of the rest of these main characters. So it is pretty disappointing that Spencer has apparently kicked her speed addiction. She’s back from rehab and having aural flashbacks to the night she attacked Alison with the shovel. Spencer’s mom has invited a drug and rehab counselor to come live with them so Spencer can have 24 hour care. No computer or cell phone allowed. No high school either. Adderral abuse totally requires 24 care and quarantine. Like Ebola. Spencer has Ebola.
MEANWHILE Aria is off wasted at a college party awkwardly close-mouth kissing some presumptive frat boy who looks 30. At least her tastes are consistent. She is up at Syracuse visiting her dad. So I’m guessing there will not be any throw-away scenes in the bathroom at high school this episode. We were running on like 20 straight episodes with one of those! :( Aria calls Emily to check in while new love interest dude with his chin beard and jean jacket smirks on over. This dude talks like he should be on a soap or “Revenge.” He plays guitar. His guitar’s name is Antonio. This guy may need an anvil dropped on his head.
Hanna, never in class, runs into special agent Johnny Utah at the Brew. He never backs down from a moment to flirt with underage girls. He hands Hanna the note that Paige slipped into a cop car and asks her what she knows about the note and about Alison supposedly being alive. Hanna doesn’t totally convince him that the note is BS. Hanna tells Emily about the note and Emily instantly knows what happened. Tow truck dude asks Hanna out on a date.
Spencer hops out of the shower and hops into a bed full of dirt. She finds a note from A that says “I know you dug her grave, now I’m digging yours.” Spencer looks scared/confused, but screw that I would be out of control pissed if I jumped into bed, all clean and beautiful and got dirt all over me. This is unforgivable. A has gone too far! To make matters worse she wakes up the next day to rehab dude force-feeding her vegetable smoothies. He also suggests yoga. And is wearing a cardigan. Poor casting ABC Family – this dude doesn’t fit the clean-living hipster mold.
Johnny Utah’s boss is back after a long hiatus. Roma Maffia, veteran of Nip/Tuck has always been great at acting smug. She thinks Hanna wrote the note and tries to pressure her to confess. But “something doesn’t jive” for Johnny Utah, who sorta believes the note. Roma is not supportive, but encourages Utah to follow Hanna and her friends and help them paint their nails and light shit on fire. Ok I made up that last part.
Aria’s jean jacket dude is really just a sensitive, neglected youngest child. Blah blah. Antonio starts playing in the background of a heart to heart on a lake. At Episode 22 you introduce us to some new dude and we’re supposed to be like “oh hell yeah a new dude for our cast to throw themselves at?” Is that what the 13-30 female demo wants? Once again ABC Family, anti-ADD meds, pro-sleeping around.
Alison’s mom comes over to visit Spencer and sorta drops some hints that she might be A. Or at least a psycho. The woman is definitely creepy. Spencer barely reacts to this. She goes for a run with hipster dude the next day and has a crazy flashback about chasing Alison with a shovel. And apparently smashing Alison’s head in. Dark. Spencer is apparently using what she thinks are other people’s memories to fill in the gaps in her own memory. Spencer cry face is much better than Aria cry face but still borders more on extreme constipation than extreme emotion.
Emily is ballsy this episode. She jumps out in front of Mona’s car as Mona is on her way to Ezra’s. Mona confesses to her role in Ezra’s research to Emily. She claims to actually have been into Mike. Aria leaves Syracuse and pays Ezra a visit. Aria demands that he leaves town. He wants to stay and work things out. She says hell no. As a parting gift he gives her a copy of his manuscript that may or may not have some clues in it. Aria tries to resist reading it for all of 90 seconds but then dives right in. She sends an S.O.S. text to all her buddies. Even Spencer manages to get a hold of her phone to receive the message.
Hanna sees a note from Paige to Emily and realizes that Paige gave the cops the note about Alison. Aria drops some bombs courtesy of Ezra. Ezra thinks that A is Alison’s mom. Spencer thinks that A is Alison’s mom, because of her attempted murder flashbacks. Hanna wants cheesypuffs. Emily doesn’t have any. Damn it Emily, always messing everything up.
Spencer returns home to find her mom waiting and pissed. They fight and Spencer goes up to bed. Alison’s mom, lurking in the shadows of Spencer’s bedroom sneaks up right behind Spencer, just as Spencer’s mom calls out. Mrs. Dilaurentis slithers away, unseen, but yeah that was creepy. The episode closes with a crappy cover of Billy Idol’s White Wedding and a preview of next week’s episode, in which Spencer apparently will be in a wedding dress running through the woods at night. UM WHAT THE HECK. EmoToby doesn’t believe in marriage, he believes in Crew Pomade.
Love, Dan
