And we’re back with the most weirdest, campiest, most unpredictable show on TV…True Detective! Er… I mean Pretty Little Liars! Common mistake. So here’s what I remember from the end of last season: Ezra got shot and we still have no freaking clue who A is. Other than that I have no idea what else is going on, which probably means I should be “live” recapping this episode drunk. But don’t let me fool you, I surprised myself with how often I thought about this show while it’s been off-air. Why you ask? What’s wrong with me? This show is batshit crazy! How can you not miss something this nuts, even if you have no idea what’s going on? TV shows take themselves waaaaaaaaay too seriously – thank god for Pretty Little Liars (and all those shows about vampires).
OOOOOH yeah Alison’s mom got shivved! I guess she’s not A… too bad she’s gone though because that bitch was creepy as hell! This show is all about creepy ambiance but is actually in short supply of legitimately creepy characters. Why couldn’t they have killed off EmoToby instead? Speaking of creepy, ok I mean creeper, season 5 starts in NYC with Ezra getting wheeled into an ambulance. As it pulls away Alison spots A clinging to the roof, presumably so he can finish Ezra off, since Ezra supposedly knows who A is.
Aria looks pretty worried about Ezra so the girls, including Alison, have Hanna “anonymously” call the cops to tell them to go protect Ezra. Um excuse me for interjecting some logic here but everybody knows that a GSW automatically equals police at the hospital and yeah everybody has caller id but the cops don’t? It doesn’t matter how long you’re on the phone Hanna, the po-po have your digits now. Spencer farts out of her mouth some blah blah Sun Tzu quote. I had to pause to laugh.
Spencer’s fam is freaking out about Spencer lying to them and maybe knowing all along that Alison is alive. Spencer’s dad is drowning his annoyance at his wife’s shitty sweater choice with a nice glass of whiskey. Delicious. Spencer’s sister, supposedly named Melissa according to Julia, actually seems pretty worried about her sister, and pissed at Alison. I was under the impression that Melissa was not a good person. The cops arrive just as Melissa is about to admit the same ish to her mom that she admitted to Papa Spence at the end of last season. The dramatic timing of Never Back Down Ferris means we still have no idea what’s up, though Cece Drake somehow took a cop hostage and escaped jail.
The doctors working on Ezra might want to remove the guys clothes., they appear to be operating on him through his intact t-shirt. Credit ABC Family for keeping the blood off the screen? Spencer, Hanna (who appears to have lost weight since last season concluded) and Emily sneak into the hospital. A, as always in his black hoodie, is patrolling the hall solo on his cell phone. Yo ladies, jump him right now! There are three of you! Have you seen Death Proof? Kick him in the face! And hey look for some reason Alison and Aria also ended up in the hospital – why split up only to end up in the same place? Alison heads for the exit and A follows her outside. A homeless saxophonist on roller skates is supposed to convince us this is New York. Alison runs off to hide in a children’s park. A sneaks up right behind her and whispers “want to play?” Cut to a face cream commercial.
Emily, Hanna, and Spencer appear out of nowhere and pepper spray “A.” But hey look there are 17 other guys in black hoodies all claiming to be A. This sorta reminds me of the Matrix Reloaded. The cops show up just in time for the hoodies to scatter. The girls head to a vacant Broadway theater to crash for the night. Queue Ezra-Alison flashback in this same spot. Alison is annoying. Ezra calls her his “Holly Golightly.” Barf. Back in “reality” Spencer looks crazy bored. Alison steps upstairs to go call somebody, Hanna follows to try and listen in. Spencer is suspicious, who else is there?
Shauna shows up at the hospital supposedly because Alison asked her to keep an eye on Aria. After a while Aria falls asleep, conveniently right at the moment the cops guarding Ezra go on break. Shauna sneaks off. Aria wakes up alone and finds out that Ezra has made it into recovery. She walks in on Shauna standing over Ezra. Ezra wakes up just in time and freaks out, having some sort of stroke/attack. Did he freak because he saw Shauna? Or because Shauna drugged him? Or just because?
At the theater the girls have all fallen asleep as Cece sneaks in and grabs Alison for a chat. They head off to a coffee shop to meet with Noel. Who the heck is Noel? Apparently he used to date Aria and then he dated the blind chick who got eaten by a crocodile. Noel hooks Cece up with some cash and Cece peaces out, maybe for good? I guess Noel is Alison’s buddy. This means nothing to me. When Alison comes back she finds Emily waiting for her. Emily forces her to explain where she was and why she’s in deep with Cece. I guess Cece killed Wildon for Alison. Why? We don’t know.
Back in blah blah town Mona is organizing a group of Alison haters, a bunch of kids who Alison picked on. Mona wants to poop on Alison. I’m all for this plan. Paige decides she doesn’t want in and leaves just as Melissa arrives. Interesting…I hope they key her car. Or egg her house.
Detective Ferris calls the theater right when Aria is supposed to call. Alison picks up and starts crying. When Aria calls back they ignore her call and just stare at the phone awkwardly. Ezra is awake again and he whispers something exciting to Aria, who of course freaks and runs off. Spazz.
Shauna arrives at the theater in a black hoodie and a gun. She’s out for revenge for Jenna, the blind chick. No way Shauna is A. Aria shows up just in time and sneaks up on Shauna and whacks her with a shotgun, knocking her off the stage and somehow killing her. She fell 7 inches… how the heck did that just kill her? The episode ends with the cops showing up to find Shauna’s body… Are we supposed to believe that Shauna was A? That’s sooooooo boring!