Pretty Little Liars is a show about flaws. Well ok not technically about, but ABC Family uses the flaws of the 4 main characters to drive this show and make it the powerhouse of mindless teen entertainment it is. Spencer has an addictive/obsessive personality. Hanna is not so smart. Aria is boy crazy. And Emily is overly trusting. So what is Alison’s flaw? If we are to assume that Alison is the 5th Liar, we must consider what crappy quality will she be bringing to the party. Hmmm apparently Alison is nothing but flaws. All of your flaws are belong to her. I can’t think of a sympathetic thing about this girl. I even think that ABC Fam killed off Alison’s mommy just to make us care about her a bit. But wait Alison’s mom also wasn’t nice…so naw, I still don’t care about Alison. I know I’m not the only person who wants to see Mona and her crew mess Alison up. Not bucket of blood at prom necessarily but this girl should be wearing “kick me” signs at all times. The problem with all this is that at least right now there really isn’t a bad guy on this show. All that said, I am hoping (I know in vain) that Alison gets hit by a runaway horse carriage this episode.
The episode opens with Alison doing her best EmoToby impression. We see a time lapse of all the different vacant stares Alison can do on her bed. Cool beans. It’s the day of her mom’s funeral and Alison decides to wear one of her mom’s dresses, apparently the dress Mama D wore to Alison’s faux-funeral. Her dad had the right idea in getting loaded before this thing.
The liars are back in high school, promising to keep a low profile. They’re worried about covering for Alison’s crappy police story, protecting her from Mona, and also figuring out who killed Mrs. D. Why? Why? and is it Jason or is it not Jason?
Ezra is back in Rosewood, recuperating. Mona is going to give him some flowers since he got shot in the stomach and can’t eat candy…yeah. Aria will be freaking out about this by the end of the episode.
Some Anne Hathaway-ish chick, but with gigantic lips, is staring at Emily in the halls. Turns out she just wants Emily to watch her in the pool. $100 that this turns into some sort of awkward sexual tension. Emily is too predictably attracted to every single female character.
A funeral director mistakes Hanna for Alison, because you know, all blondes look the same? Alison makes a joke that insinuates that one of them used to be fat. Hanna is dressed like a grandma. Alison is dressed like a 9 year old hipster boy. We see a flashback of Mona confronting Hanna on the street as Hanna is shoving 17 cupcakes into her mouth at once. Back in the present Hanna seems very put off by Alison alluding to “Hefty Hanna”.
Oh look it took a day for Aria to go visit Ezra, who now has a goatee. And a cane. He says that it was only after he saw Shauna dressed in a hoodie and following the Liars around that he knew she was A. Julia says “yeah that means she wasn’t A.” Wishful thinking I think. Aria is acting weird.
We see another flashback of Hanna and Mona hanging out. Guess Mona is who taught Hanna how to dress. Well at least we know who to blame. Meanwhile Paige asserts her ownership of Emily in front of big lipped Anne Hathaway. Didn’t they break up?
Emily and Hanna are in Philly tracking down where Jason was last episode. They talk to some homeless looking dude that supposedly I saw last week but can’t remember. Turns out that Jason was at this place the night his mom was murdered, and he has multiple alibis to prove it.
Jason and Spencer have waaaaaaaaaaaay more sexual chemistry than Spencer and EmoToby. Unfortunately this is not Game of Thrones. Or I guess fortunately? I don’t even know. Let’s just say Julia is disappointed by the fact that they’re related. Spencer shows Jason the email Hanna found on Mrs. D’s computer. Jason warns Spencer not to trust their father.
Wtf are these Mona-Hanna flashbacks????? Whatever they are they prompt Hanna to ask Emily what it was like to come out of the closet. Poor Hefty Hanna. Hanna realizes that Mona just wanted her to turn into Alison 2.0 and gets sad.
Alison visits Ezra to make sure he doesn’t yap. She asks him for whatever info he held back from his manuscript. He says “naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah chick, back off mi shiz.”
Spencer’s dad runs into Alison in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. SKETCHBALL ALERT. Spencer thinks that Jason was hinting that Mrs. D was protecting PapaSpence. PapaSpence gonna be the new big bad? He is pretty scary with all that Balvenie 15 he’s been drinking. Spencer confronts her dad about Mrs. D’s email. Melissa interrupts and tears shit it up. Literally! Hey-o! Melissa and PapaSpence agree to not tell Spencer whatever secret it is they are keeping – she can’t lie about what she doesn’t know. This is only going to make Spencer want to find out more. The Hastings family weirdness is keeping this show afloat imo.