This week I’m watching Pretty Little Liars with a belly full of Puerto Rican food. I’m basically drunk on meat right now. But let’s hope that there are no scenes with the girls eating during this episode because I might hurl. All over Alison’s pouty annoying face. So what happened last week? Seems like Mr. Hastings murdered Mrs. D. with some pills. How 1950s.
Speaking of barf – Hanna wants to wear some to schoolΒ tomorrow. Hmmm kinky. It’s going to be Alison’s first day back and Hanna is worried everyone is going to think of her and the rest of the liars as Ali’s puppets once again. Meanwhile alllllllll Aria can think about is Shana. She goes for a walk with Ezra and they run into Alison being sketchy. Their incredibly boring conversation is interrupted by Jenna arriving by bus. I don’t know who Jenna is so I’m not really blown away by this. Moving on.
EmoToby and Spencer make themselves some tea. What fucking high school kids drink hot tea in the middle of the night? Jenna calls EmoToby – wait Jenna and EmoBoy are brother and sister? The liars + Alison think that Jenna has come home to finish Shana’s work. I thought all blind people were nice?
It’s Alison’s first day back and she gets a wonderful entrance. I haven’t seen this much high school slow mo since the original Teen Wolf. For some reason every single student at this school cares about who Alison is and what she’s doing back at school. This is the dumbest shit. But before I get a chance to get angry at this cheese Spencer’s mom shows up to tell her that she’s leaving Papa Spence.
Spencer flips out on her mom. Her mom cries. She thinks both Melissa and Papa Spence were in on the murder of Mrs. D. Back at school Aria is still spazzing. She wants to go to Jenna’s house to offer her condolences. Aria finds Jenna bawling on the floor and gets the heck out of there. So much for guilt.
Emily gets Alison and Paige together to talk out their beef. Alison has shame. Paige has rage. The level of sensitivity the kids on this show have allows them to justify basically all of their behavior. You’re supposed to be 16! Why so serious??? Paige leaves, Emily leaves, and Alison chills out in Emily’s bedroom after a bit of apologetic flirting.
Caleb is back with stupid facial hair and a bowl haircut. Sorry your show got cancelled dude, that’s probably why he hasn’t called you Hanna. Hanna gets wasted at weirdo Lucas’s party and calls Caleb 30 times.
Paige, Emily, and Anne Hathaway go on an awkward triple date to see a play. Haha Hanna is the only authentic high schooler on this whole show. These old ladies need to liven up! And right on cue Jenna goes to visit Aria. Aria offers her some tea.
Alison is being chased by somebody in a black SUV and she runs into the church to hide. Mona pops out of a confessional and threatens to expose that the Liars were in New York the night Shana was murdered. Yo it’s not murder if you’re shooting at people and you get clocked in the head and accidentally die. Mona slaps the shit out of Alison. Alison slaps Mona back even harder. Mona wants to cry. PHENOMENAL slapping sound effects though. Honestly!
Emily and Alison have a sleepover. And play truth or dare and spin the bottle and Rochambeau. Speaking of flirting Ezra shows off his abs to Aria to make some sort of point. They end up making out. Emily and Alison end up making out. Sex montage with a really bad cover of Sting’s Every Breath You Take in the background.
Back at school the next day Mona and her horde confront Alison and the Liars with an edited video of Alison slapping Mona and spewing cocky hate. Well played Mona. The Liars are pissed at Alison.
Anna Hathaway drives Jenna to some park. They meet Mona. Guess Anne Hathaway has been spying on the Liars for Jenna and Mona who are in cahoots. This is a lot of effort to get somebody to quit high school. The sad reality is that if this type of thing happened in real life it would more likely drive the target to suicide than to move away. Messed up ABC Family.
Breaking News! The cops know who was buried in Alison’s grave. All the Liars and EmoToby and Ezra and yes even Caleb gather round the TV to find out who the heck this Jane Doe was. Caleb and Alison exchange a glance as if they know each other and are meh about seeing each other. Buried chick is a former Radley patient. Just as the broadcast comes to a close a bomb, yes literally a bomb, blows up EmoToby’s house. The credits roll and we see a hooded figure from behind walking around an apartment. The figure (A?) picks up a blond Barbie and strokes its hair.
Love, Dan
