Why does Alison’s name only have one “L” in it? Where is the second “H” in Hanna? Since when is Spencer not a guy’s name? Is EmoToby the love child of Julia Roberts and Richard Gere? If not, did he have plastic surgery to look like them? These are the questions that ring around my head when watching Pretty Little Liars. Really these questions were just as important as any other questions I had this season because duh Alison is boring. But after last episode finally this show has regained my interest – is “A” back?
Did you miss me bitches? A asks the Liars via text as EmoToby’s house burns down. Yes A, I missed you. But I do not appreciate that foul language. The house explodes – was EmoToby inside? Please say yes.
Boo sounds like EmoToby is alive. And I’ve totally forgotten how serious Caleb is – the guy does not smile or laugh or breathe. He could be a robot. A robot with bad facial hair. It’s the morning after the big blow out and Hanna and Caleb discuss the explosion, why going to the cops won’t happen, and how he’s apparently butthurt about Hanna seeing other people while he was failing at making a spinoff. Insult to injury I guess.
Ezra is back on the case. He’s gonna try to track down the connection between A, Mrs. D, and the dead girl Bethany who was a patient at Radley, along with the rest of the town. Since being shot Ezra is very salty but not as salty PapaSpence. His ladies have flown the coup and he’s not happy about it. Spencer accuses her dad of murder. His denial is convincing.
Aria tells Spencer that she and Ezra boned. Lunch time at this high school is so dramatic. A sends Alison a clip of him/her burying Alison’s mom with the message “I buried your mom the same way I watched her bury you.”
Spencer is freaking out because her dad didn’t murder Mrs. D. So Alison you run away now please, the rest of the girls are going to help Ezra figure things out. Spencer heads to Radley to do some digging.
Hanna has been blowing off Travis and acting weird since Caleb returned. Travis is nice and isn’t a robot, don’t be dumb Hanna. After kissing Travis goodnight Hanna walks in on Alison on the phone, planning her escape. Hanna decides she gonna help Alison gtfo.
Aria and Ezra discuss how “right” their statutory encounter felt the other night as they pour over his research materials on Radley. Just then Detective Roma Maffia, subbing in for not-appearing-in-this-episode Sean Ferris, knocks on Ezra’s door to drop hella gun residue knowledge about Shana. Good for you Roma.
Emily creeps on Paige in the locker room. I do not care about the lesbian romance on this show. These two are boring individually and boring together. Alison and Hanna have some awkward hugging as they prep for Alison’s departure. Spencer Parent Traps her parents into having dinner together.
Ezra receives a drawing of Bethany’s of Mrs. D being attacked by Venom. The picture was hand delivered, so he goes to consult his still active and still creepy security cameras. The video reveals Eddie the Radley security guard that Spencer had talked to earlier.
Alison goes home to say goodbye to her dad who isn’t home. But somebody in black (A?) is there! Ali goes upstairs and whoever it is very considerately turns off the lights downstairs. Alison gathers some fake ids and heads downstairs. Hooded person hits her in the back of the head with a cane and tries to murder her with her scarf. Emily arrives just in time to whoop the assailant in the head with an encyclopedia.
Alison still says no police. Dumb. She also doesn’t believe that it was A who assaulted her because why would she still be left alive? A sends a text to answer that question – Leave town and you die Alison! Alison uses her near-death experience to guilt her way into Emily’s bed. We see a weird montage of Emily not sleeping while sitting in bed next to Alison.
Aria decides that she’s going to be the girls’ in to Radley – she’s going to volunteer. Meanwhile Roma Maffia drops by Alison’s to ask her some questions and imply that she knows that Alison was not in Philly the night Shana was killed. Roma smirks away and A sends one final text “time for the caged bird to sing”.