Pretty Little Liars S5 Episode 9 March of Crimes

By Thursday, August 7, 2014 0 Permalink

Supposedly on the mid-season finale of Pretty Little Liars (which airs on August 26th) somebody important is going to die. Can it please be Alison? Last week Hanna was drunker than she’s been since that weekend she spent with James Franco, a trend that promises to continue this week. But I am 100% sure there will be some sort of intervention this episode. Boring. Alcoholic Hanna is the best character this show has ever had – she rolls her eyes and goes full bitch face whenever Alison opens her mouth.

Like get out of my room Alison | Pretty Little Liars March of Crimes

Spencer, Emily, and Hanna are pissed at Alison for faking an A attack at Hanna’s house. Hanna’s bedroom looks like it would be smelly. Not like guys locker smelly, just “I don’t brush my teeth often, have a Cooler Ranch addiction and am a serious mouth breather when I sleep” kinda smelly. Just look at all the shit she has in her room. After Alison storms out, Hanna pulls out a bottle and goes to work.

Ezra was only creepy with ME! | Pretty Little Liars March of Crimes

Roma Maffia is interrogating Aria and her mama about Aria and Ezra’s past and potentially Ezra boning Shana on the side. Aria takes offense. Ezra ONLY statutory raped her… and maybe Alison. But otherwise Ezra is totally not a creep. Roma seems to think Ezra killed Shana. Aria’s guilt complex can’t handle this.

Drunk at 9am on a Tuesday | Pretty Little Liars March of Crimes

Hanna shows up to school hammered. Meanwhile, Alison is freaking about Aria potentially ratting her out to Roma Maffia. Her friends just all seem to be jumping ship at the wrong time. Alison seems like the type of person, if she were a Mafia Don, who would have all the questionable people in her life whacked even without evidence of wrong doing. She’s like a much blonder Santino but with half the penis.

Rawr | Pretty Little Liars March of Crimes

Spencer goes to visit Caleb to convince him to intervene with Hanna and her boozing. Caleb’s house looks he held a frat party. His mustache tells me he didn’t get laid. Caleb gets emotional when Spencer mentions how badly his spinoff got destroyed by The Real Housewives of Anchorage.

What language is this? | Pretty Little Liars March of Crimes

Emily breaks into Noel’s locker and swipes his car keys. In the glove box she finds a packet of surveillance photos of Alison from when she was “dead” and what looks like a short distance listening device. Why is she rummaging through Noel’s stuff? Because the previous night Emily, while biking home, Noel conveniently happened to be sitting in his car with the windows down listening to a recording of somebody talking about Shana. Oh this show!

A has a lot of time on his hands | Pretty Little Liars March of Crimes

Spencer runs into Jenna and Anne Hathaway at the eye doctor but her vision is too blurry to ID Anne Hathaway as Anne Hathaway. She walks into an examination room to call Emily and finds basically the craziest embedded message from A ever. Seriously this took some effort. A needs a vacation. Emily shows up just in time to catch Anne Hathaway leaving with Jenna.  Such betray. So lies. Wow.

Right before punching Zach in the face OR Rawr Part Deux | Pretty Little Liars March of Crimes

Caleb is the only person that believes Hanna about Zach. This does not make her feel better but it does seem to give Caleb some purpose. He peaces out to go pick up some Maggianos. Maggianos is delicious. Nice placement ABC Family. Caleb punches Zach in the face and then returns home sans-lasagna. Caleb shows Hanna a note that Zach thought was from Hanna but was probably written by A. So that’s why Zach got into Hanna’s car last week, he thought she was hot for him.

Noel is a stupid name | Pretty Little Liars March of Crimes

Spencer tries to hide the pictures Emily found in Noel’s car in some random cabin. Why not destroy them? They prove that Alison was never kidnapped. Noel, hiding under a white sheet like a Scooby Doo character jumps out and demands that Spencer return the photos. They are his leverage against Alison in the event she turns on him. The pics were taken by Shanna who gave them Jenna. Spencer scares Noel off by acting psycho.

Aria and Hanna hug it out | Pretty Little Liars March of Crimes

Aria questions her mama about how well she knows Zach. Aria seems to be admitting that she finds Hanna’s story believable. If they make up does that mean that Hanna will stop drinking?!?! BOOOOOOOOOO. Aria goes to apologize to Hanna and walks in on Hanna dumping all of Caleb’s booze down the drain. They make up. FML.

Who the heck is this? | Pretty Little Liars March of Crimes

The cops are holding a dude who claims to have held Alison captive for the last 3 years. Who the heck is this guy? Alison seems to have no idea. He confesses to keeping her tied up in his basement in Philly. The episode closes with A at the eye doctor listening to a recording of the faux-kidnapper’s confession. So is Alison paying this guy? Or is A blackmailing him into confessing to get the cops off Alison?